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miss rooby

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[19 Dec 2003|02:45pm]
so, yes, I still do exist (and i just capitalized my "i", which is very curious, because i never, ever do that. hrm. let's not analyze that too much); or at least my livejournal tells me i do.

i've now settled into that cushy comfy place where everything is routine, but not stiflingly so, and everything is right, but not perfectly so, and i must say i think i'll turn out just fine. but the jury's still out on that one. for once i'm not hiding or hibernating, just nestling in, and it's nice and warm and safe here. i think i'll stay for a while, and see how long i can stretch this feeling out. the chaos has subsided a bit at least. how strange to be content for once. knock on wood, or somesuch nonesense.
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[03 Oct 2003|12:38pm]
losing him is like losing an arm. no, wait, that's not quite right. more like losing an elbow. i can get along just fine, and i know i'll find creative solutions to keep going, but it's a lot more difficult and painful and awkward and unnatural this way.

i keep swinging back and forth between wallowing in despair and trying to push on through and pretend i'm just fine. i guess that's normal. there are several stages of grief, right? are they all required or can you test out of some of them?
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[02 Oct 2003|04:08pm]
[ mood | don't ask ]

aww, man.

i'm watching a terrible cheesy 80's movies called "for keeps", and one of the characters is a bitchy slutty popular girl named michaela who goes after molly ringwald's baby-daddy. shit. how dare they!

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[26 Sep 2003|06:59pm]
[ mood | lost ]

he said he wanted to see me. he asked if i would be willing to see him.

he said it was what he really needed.

he didn't call. he. didn't. even. call.


but then, that was exactly the point i was trying to make, now wasn't it?

i hate being right.

shhhh...if you're real quiet, you can hear the last piece breaking off.

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[25 Sep 2003|04:57pm]
[ mood | hopeful ]

i finally got the police report from my accident today and ooooh boy is it weird. the total-recall-trauma of the whole incident has faded, but it was still freaky reading about it and remembering it. apparently the guy i hit (not my fault!) had a suspended license and was driving his girlfriend's (or roommate's--i'm making assumptions here) car. dumb dumb dumb. so, they impounded the car. there was insurance info listed on the report, so i'm hoping it was his insurance and not hers (i'm not sure how that works). but, it's her dumb fault if she let her crazy unlicensed boyfriend borrow her car.

hopefully i will be the proud owner of a brand new car by this sunday. i'm trying to get a 2003 hyundai accent (i had an accent and i like it, dammit!) before the special clearance deals expire. unfortunately, the dealership i was going to go to is running out of cars, so i may have to travel to renton. they have a cute silver one (i've always wanted a silver car; ask anyone).

okay, im obviously suffering from over-using-parentheses-itis so i better move on.

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if you want something done right... [24 Sep 2003|01:23pm]
[ mood | restless ]

i seem to have lost all ability to express myself originally today. i can think of loads of song lyrics that would explain my state, but that feels like cheating somehow. i don't know, i guess any appropriate lyrics would have to come from someone's emotional upheaval, so that's almost okay. i just wish i could come up with my own version of my mind. perhaps once i started i wouldn't be able to stop, and that's a little scary. i'm trying to keep it together (and doing a fairly good job, in my opinion).

i'm very anxious, and i can't figure out if it's just the caffeine (i only had 1 cup of coffee today!). i just can't sit still. i need a nap, but i don't think that will happen. at least i don't work tomorrow. i get to sleep until 8 a.m.!!! that's at least 4 hours later than usual. woo hoo!

ugh. i really have nothing interesting to say. i guess babbling to a blank screen is better than nothing.

better than slowly dying of a breaking heart, in five minute increments.

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[22 Sep 2003|01:48pm]
[ mood | curious ]

what a strange few days it's been. i watched a movie that could have been my life story in about sixteen different ways. beautiful, heartbreaking quotes keep throwing themselves at me from all sources. i don't really know what to think about it. i am content. for now. something is beginning, and i think it's much larger than i ever intended. good. that's all. i left my eloquence asleep in bed today.

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hopeless? who, me? [20 Sep 2003|04:45pm]
Pablo Neruda (1904-1973)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

TONIGHT I CAN WRITE

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

Write, for example, `The night is starry
and the stars are blue and shiver in the distance.'

The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

Through nights like this one I held her in my arms.
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.

She loved me, sometimes I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.

To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is starry and she is not with me.

This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

My sight tries to find her as though to bring her closer.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.

The same night, whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.

Another's. She will be another's. As she was before my kisses.
Her voice, her bright body. Her infinite eyes.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is so short, forgetting is so long.

Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

Though this be the last pain she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her.

(translated by W. S. Merwin)
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le falta una etiqueta [20 Sep 2003|04:42pm]
okay, scorpions, wake up:

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)

Beginnings and endings will be overlapping in the near future, Scorpio. They will demand that you grow rapidly. It won't always be easy to tell them apart, either; you'll have to become wiser faster in order to understand the clues. Here are two meditations to guide you: 1. Which of the long-running dramas of your life have run their course? 2. What struggling dreams are aching to resurrect themselves and bloom again as if for the first time? Once you figure out the answers to those questions, act dynamically to nurture what's being born and expedite the dissolution of what's dying.

courtesy of free will astrology
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she said hang on to your pants, boys... [14 Sep 2003|07:38pm]
[ mood | black ]

well, it's that time of year again. time for me to become morose and tortured for another few months. every year when the weather changes, i transform suddenly into a devastatingly reminiscent wreck. it's happened earlier than usual this year, and my only explanation is the fact that we actually had a real summer this year, and the instant autumn has really thrown me off. i need a sweater all the time now, and the leaves are already falling. crikey.

as soon as the air turns cold, i can't help reminiscing and getting nostalgic, and coming up with all sorts of versions of history that are, most likely, only partially true. my emotions are much too sharp. it's not so much that i remember but rather that i feel my memories, and this can be very dangerous for me. i am mourning the past, but i find myself in mourning over things that haven't actually happened yet, and in fact have no guarantee of happening. but, sometimes you just know. you know that your mom isn't really going to extend your curfew, you know that the deal for your dream house will fall through, you know that you'll get dumped. and so you hold on to the idea as long as possible, simultaneously hoping and mourning and not really fooling anybody at all. least of all yourself.

i'm not making any sense here. gotta love mercury, eh, halsted? i know what i'm trying to say, but it's just not coming out right at all. maybe i'm trying too hard. let's try this again. let's take the iq down a notch...

i'm really fucking sad today. not depressed sad; lie down on the floor and cry until you can't breathe sad. the cold and the grey is bringing back absolutely palpable memories, and i can hear and smell and taste and feel it all, and i just want it back. i want to grab and hold on and stop time before everything changes. before i figure it out. let's just face it, i know what will happen. i know what i have to do. but i can't. i mourn you now, because now i know what it means to have you, and i can imagine what losing you will mean. you're not listening, but it's probably better that way, because you just wouldn't understand. you probably never will. and that's what crushes me the most.

so.

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[14 Sep 2003|01:24pm]
and now for my newest public service announcement:

when parked along the side of a busy street, please do not pull out of your spot without looking and attempt a u-turn in the middle of an intersection.

this happened to me.

no, i was not the u-turner. i was the unsuspecting motorist whistling a happy tune while obeying the speed limit and driving through a green light. last saturday, i was driving home after collecting the boy from my best friend, when i crashed right into some moron who wasn't paying attention. it was the single most frightenting experience of my life. the airbags deployed in a huge cloud of dust, i was banged and bruised and whiplashed, and the boy was hysterical. i'm really sick of retelling the story at this point, but here's a summary:

it was not my fault.
people appeared out of nowhere to help.
the boy was deemed unharmed on site and released.
i was strapped to a back board and taken to the hospital for x-rays.
my car is totally smashed.
i have a new collection of ghastly bruises.
my back is killing me at the moment (thank god for chiropractors).
my best friend is an absolute angel.

now we're waiting for the police report so we can get the insurance claim rolling (ha! just like geico promises, eh?) because i was in no state to ask the other driver for any of his insurance info. thanks, spd. i drive (drove) a hyundai, so i'm sure the car will be totaled. there's no way that it's worth enough to cover the body damage (and who knows if it's even driveable). i sure do get cars in strange ways. my hyundai was purchased with money from an insurance claim, when my ex-husband's chevy was hit by the cable company and they gave us money to "fix" it. hey, whatever works. i should be able to get a new(er) hyundai and only pay about $100 a month, taken directly out of my paycheck by the lovely fred meyer credit union. i hope.

in other news, the boy is cuter than ever. he was walking around the apartment last night with a toothbrush and a tube of diaper rash ointment, pretending to brush his teeth. every few steps he would lean over and pretend to spit, and then apply more imaginary toothpaste to his brush. simply hilarious. i can't believe how grown up he is. i am definitely looking forward for the temper tantrums to end, though.

okay, lunch beckons.
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[25 Aug 2003|04:51pm]
ahem.

happy embarassingly belated birthday to my favorite 20 year old. i swear i didn't forget. i just had a crazy week (but that's really no excuse, is it?)
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[14 Aug 2003|11:53am]
"sometimes you're loved because of your weaknesses," she said,
"what you can't do is sometimes more compelling than what you can."
-melissa bank, the girls'guide to hunting and fishing





okay, where do i sign up for this?
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hey! who put this soapbox here? [14 Aug 2003|11:31am]
[ mood | melancholy ]

i felt this was worthy of a public forum (confused? see comment from previous post):

my darling, you are not a horrible person. i adore you. i'm just exhausted from everyone i love being alcoholics and drug addicts etc., and it scares me to hear things like this. no matter what anyone tells me, i will always worry, and i will always question peoples' motives for escaping their lives, including my own-- i am not completely perfect after all, only slightly ;) .

now, i must say this, so please understand...everyone who does drugs or drinks thinks they are always under control. i mean everyone from my 89 pound heroine addict mother to my old friend julie who would have one margarita and be trashed. things get sticky when people stop questioning whether or not they are in control, and stop looking at the facts. so i guess i'm saying that you should always be aware. check in with yourself from an outside view from time to time, and your big sis won't worry quite so much.

fuck me, i am not a psychiatrist, i just play one in real life.

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[12 Aug 2003|09:05pm]
as a side note to my last post:

reading it through the eyes of the aforementioned young person, this will seem like an evil rant on the part of some control-freak-party-pooper grown-up, but i assure you, take heart, and you will understand how i feel some day. if and when you grow up.

we really mean it when we say we're just looking out for you. so get over yourself and get your shit together. you are far too smart for this.

end of rant.
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heeeeere wormywormywormy... [12 Aug 2003|08:56pm]
[ mood | disgusted ]

well, i'm finally back, after a hard week at work and a bout of wormicide (yes, thank you hackers, i got the worm).

i'm a little upset, because i just found out in a fairly surprising and roundabout way that a certain young fellow that i know (he's not really a teenager anymore but not really and adult either) went on a mad drug spree last year, including doing lines in the employee bathroom at my store.

fuck. fuckety fuck fuck. pardon my french, but i'm feeling a little disillusioned and disappointed. when exactly does stuff like this cease to be cool in the eyes of young people? (i suppose it depends on the said young person). this is not cool. this is not impressive. this is fucking stupid and immature and irresponsible and a big letdown when the young person in question appeared to be one of the sweetest and coolest young people i have known.

it just proves my suspicion that every last thing i believe to be true will, inevitably, be proven horribly and unfairly to be wrong.

bah. off to bed; i work at 3 a.m.

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bleh, bleh, bleh... [04 Aug 2003|12:21pm]
[ mood | listless ]

i'm having a bit of a tired-and-cranky day. i worked from 6 to 11, then lounged around at work goofing off with my friend courtney for a good half hour. i seem to be spending way too much time there lately. it's sort of the modern-day equivalent of the workaholic-husband/father-who-stays-at-the-office-way-too-late-because-he-doesn't-really-want-to-go-home. or something. as far as what's wrong with my home, i couldn't really say. it's just a little lonely.

i like my job. i can't believe i'm actually saying that. i mean, how many times have i spent an entire day bitching about the grocery business and the moronic general public? but i'm honestly pretty happy with it at (the moment). my coworkers make all the difference, of course, but i'm also doing more than just rotting away in a checkstand now, and that helps. i'm actually learning things. and i'm appreciated. wow. imagine that.

upon graduating to 'office groupie' status, i immediately began noting some strange things happening. i began to work harder (although my slackariffic tendencies do appear sometimes). i offer to help people. i volunteer, for chrissakes. i don't made working at 3 or 4 or 5 a.m. (in fact i think i secretley like it).

aaaaaaacckkk!! what is wrong with me? help! i've been consumed by the career monster! noooo!!!

an intervention is most definitely in order, here.

*sigh*

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mwaa-ha-ha-haa... [01 Aug 2003|03:13am]
[ mood | pleased ]

not five minutes after arriving at neighbours, i was hit on by a girl. not a terribly cute girl, mind you, but a girl nonetheless. i felt a hand on my back, and, thinking it was my boy, i turned around, only to discover a chicky asking me for a cigarette. she then asked "are you with these fine gentlemen?", meaning damon and richard, and i said yeah. so here's the kicker, the line of the evening:

"you're too cute to be here with boys!!"

ha! double ha!

it's all about the magic pink tinkerbell t-shirt, yo.

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thhhhbbbbttttt. [01 Aug 2003|12:24am]
[ mood | blah ]

sigh.

tonight we're off to neighbours for some dancin' and drinkin' (yee-haw) and i can't seem to bring myself to be excited. i should be. i'm kid-free and don't work until noon. it's not fair that the one night i can actually go out i could really care less. oh well. i will have fun! i will, i will!! (are you convinced?)

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[24 Jul 2003|10:11pm]
[ mood | nostalgic ]

*deep cleansing breath*

i will channel my boredom.

first, some background to refresh all of our memories:

the last time i updated (not counting the past two days) i was very, very pregnant. i was miserable. i was 18 days away from closing the sale of my home, 19 days from giving birth, and 28 days from filing for divorce.

we went to escrow on tax day, april 15th. that afternoon, i returned to the house to clean it one last time and say goodbye. the second i set down the broom for the last time, i had my first real contraction. i shit you not. that was 5 pm. it blew my mind, to say the least. what amazing timing this child has. i remember being very nonchalant about the whole deal, and i even drove myself "home" to my new (as yet unpacked) apartment. i experienced a tiny moment of panic as i walked in the door, thinking holy shit, this is actually going to happen, isn't it? wow.

i wasn't afraid at all, though. as much as i doubted my current position as future mother, i had no fear of labor. i just plain knew that i could do it. i feel lucky that i had made a point to be very educated about birth, mostly due to my obsession with pregnancy and the like. i knew what to expect and i knew that it was only temporary. and in the end i would get the answer to all the dilemmas that faced me at that time in my life.

i spent the rest of the night watching movies with my then husband (now ex), my sister, and her boyfriend. let's see...we watched meet the parents, i know that for sure, but for some reason the other movies escape me. oh well, not important. rissy baked me chocolate chip cookies (not from scratch) that i was too worked up to eat, and i timed my contractions like a mad thing. oh, and i remember folding laundry too. it was all very surreal, but at the same time, i felt like nothing unusual was happening.

at about 11 i called the midwife to let her know about my situation. we agreed that i would wait a few more hours and meet her and the assistant at the birth center between 2 and 2:30.

my sister came to the birth center with chris and i. poor quiet thing, she didn't know what hit her. my contractions were pretty killer in the car, sorta like someone stabbing a machete right through my body, right above my bladder, and twisting with all their might. but, i was determined to handle it, so i did (i don't think i had my seatbelt on, though).

we made it to the birth center on capitol hill, and met the assistant midwife. at exactly 4 am, i felt this weird rubbery popping sensation and i was suddenly in a puddle. "uh, i think my water broke..." i remember muttering, and then miss uterus really got down to business. someone decided to fill up the big tub, and i climbed in.

the next four hours or so are a total blur. you can blame labor amnesia, but i really think i had myself hypnotized. i kept my eyes closed for hours, and tried to find a comfortable (ha!) way to deal with the pain. there's no way to describe it, except to say that i kep changing my position in the tub, just hoping i could lift myself away from the pain or something. i moaned a lot. in fact, i think i was moaning with every contraction. i would be terribly embarassed to be making that noise in (almost) any other circumstances.

at some point the midwife started whispereing to her assistant, and they decided to get my out of the tub to check my progress. stupid bitch. that's when i pretty much fell apart. they deposited me on the futon, and determined that i was dilated to seven centimeters. hallelujah. you only have to get to ten (only? who the fuck am i kidding?). i was a textbook case of "transition": the period between 7 and 10 cm when woman freak out and decide to give up. i don't know what it is. i kept thinking: i am going to die. they should really just take me to the hospital and cut me open or give me drugs or something because i am absolutely not going to survive. luckily i talked myself out of saying anything.

at exactly 8:30 my eyes flew open and i declared that i had to push. and push i did, goddammit. it was exactly like throwing up in the wrong direction. bizarre convulsions that had a life of their own. it fucking burned (at this point i must apologize to the squeamish). i remembered hearing that the only way to make it feel better was to push right through it, and i took that to heart. i still say that i would rather give birth again than have another root canal, however.

9:13 am, april 16, 2002. i'm squeezing my tiny sister's hand to a pulp. i'm on my back on a futon with my legs to my chest. i don't think i can make it. suddenly the head is out. thay ask if i want to touch it or see it and i say hell no. the cord is around his neck. they try to lift it over his head and it snaps. blood flies everywhere.

one last push and he slides out, and they lift him onto my chest, and i still have my white t-shirt on but it's not white anymore and he's so small and he wails in his deep lusty voice and i grab him under the arms and pull him up to my face and he's so beautiful and i say i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i know you were so warm in there, but i really wanted to meet you and your name is malachy and i am head over heels in love and i want to laugh and cry and my life will never be the same from that point on and how could i ever have doubted that i would want you so much and i have a son and i am his mother and my life began at that exact moment.

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